THE “ARE YOU A STUPID DRIVER”? TEST

If you haven't heard by now, the drivers in my area, the Washington DC Metro area, are the worst in the country. Well gee whiz, what a surprise! We used to be second worst. Yes, we are getting worse and now stupidity is exceeded only by arrogance.

I am not sure which comes first, the chicken or the egg. Are brain dead parents teaching their teens to drive therefore perpetuating their genetic stupidity, or is everyone just naturally dumb? Forget the physics, it is also common sense that is rare among drivers.

Nobody gets it, driving is extremely dangerous and bad actions have bad consequences. Tailgating is not only stupid, but dangerous. Cutting other vehicles off is not only dumb, but risky, not using turn signals is not only foolish, but hazardous. Unfortunately, anyone who breathes and is upright can get a driver’s license.

If you drive, why not take this "Are You A Stupid Driver Test:"

1. I like driving in the left lane because there are fewer cars there.

2. I am a multi-tasker and can drive and text or talk on the phone at the same time.

3. There is really no need to use a turn signal.

4. I test my driving skills by weaving in and out of traffic and to test the handling capabilities of the car.

5. When I am in a rush, tailgating forces the car in front to go faster.

6. I am a far better driver than the other drivers on the road and therefore can take more chances.

7. Since I am such a good driver and nothing will ever happen to me, I don’t have to use a seat belt.

8, I like to scare other drivers by cutting them off and then exiting.

9.  I have no idea what to do in an emergency and don’t have to know. Nothing will ever happen to me.

10. It is the road that is so dangerous, not me, the driver.

11. I am faster than the pedestrians so I can beat them around the corner as they cross the street.

The CARmudgeon

Welcome to the CARmudgeon blog. The opinions expressed here are merely my own, however, most of my driving-junky friends agree. Those who disagree simply don’t know how to drive.

See my company’s website at www.drive-lab.com

The CARmudgeon’s “DUNCE OF THE MONTH CLUB”                                                                                          

                                        YOU’RE AN IDIOT

                                        YOU’RE A FOOL

                                        IF YOU’RE RIDING MY BUMPER

                                        THINKING IT’S COOL.

I can tell a person’s IQ by the way he/she/it drives a car. You drivers out there are morons!

Forget that driving is Applied Physics, a concept that most drivers do not understand, or even want to understand. Driving is just plain Common Sense, and no one has it.

Does it take any brains to realize a huge, heavy object cannot stop on a dime any more that one could stop a huge boulder from rolling down a hill? Yet most driving idiots are right on one another’s bumpers doing 55 to 70 mph along our major highways, crawling up the rear of the vehicle in front. If for some reason the vehicle in front must slow down or stop suddenly, the vehicle behind will be head first into the lap of the driver of the leading car.

Oh you Brain Dead Drivers, get off one another’s asses, you are already one for tailgating.

A car traveling at highway speeds, say 65 miles per hour is covering 96 feet in one second! That is longer than the side of a baseball diamond. You ain’t got the room to stop!

The “average” stopping distance for an “average” car traveling 55 mph is about 190 feet. May I remind you this is just average. Since most of you are paying no attention at all, and your reaction time therefore is slow, you are gonna cover a Hell of a Lot more territory in a second. If you are only 6 feet from the bumper in front of you, you are going to crash into that car. Do the math!

Is there some law that says having a space between you and the car ahead of you is illegal? Or is it you just hate to see a space between these two Lethal Objects! Maybe you are just plain stupid! Whatever, you are endangering others lives, wives, mothers, brothers, sisters, uncles and aunts, who cares about you? I care about me, and my Life and Limb, so get off my rear.

Most of you think just because you are moving a car you are a good driver. Well, you are not! All you have done is pass a really stupid driver’s test designed for those with an IQ of below 50. This must be you! If the test were any harder, most of you could never get your license.

By the way, by tailgating, you are not saving any time, and if you crash, that takes even more time! 

More to follow!

-The CARmudgeon

DriveLab is honored to hold a high performance driving event just for you, our heroes, the men and women who have fought so bravely to defend our country. 

Many of you have come out to visit at Summit Point Raceway and have gone for rides with the instructors from the various car clubs. It was an honor to have you in our cars, and almost all of had expressed the wish to drive. On Friday November 11th you shall have your wish!

Since you have given so much, DriveLab and all the great instructors want to give something in return, a day at the track. 

“Helmets off to Heroes” is first ever high performance driving event open to all veterans, whether wounded or otherwise. We welcome you all so we can pay you back for all you have done for this country. So bring out your cars, specially equipped or not, or just come out for the camaraderie of your peers for a day of great fun, great company and a great experience. 

Whether you love driving, or hate driving“, are a beginner or not, “HELMETS OFF TO HEROES” hopes you will come out to enjoy yourselves.

We welcome you all to experience personal victories of your own on this beautiful safe racetrack. This is a wonderful opportunity for all you heroes to experience their fantasy of a lifetime.

“Miriam has more knowledge of driving in her noggin than anyone should be allowed to have”. (Sheik A. Va.) 

“Miriam is a force of nature. Her enthusiasm and drive have created a major contribution to PCAP and to the general driving community in the area that is legendary. Thanks Miriam”!  (Tony K. Va.)

“This course should be mandatory prior to issuing driver’s permits”. (Candace T. Ky.)

“She definitely makes an impression on first time track drivers. Really passionate about sharing the knowledge she’s gained and trying to make the roads a bit safer. (MARK F. N.C.)  

A presentation of:

Miriam Schottland

www.drive-lab.com

The CARmudgeon’s “DUNCE OF THE MONTH CLUB”                                                                                          

                                                      HE WEAVES IN AND HE WEAVES OUT

                                    WHILE OTHERS AROUND HIM LOUDLY SHOUT

                                    YOU ALMOST CRASHED INTO THEM AND ME

                                    YOU’RE AN IDIOT ON A KILLING SPREE!

Aaaaand the dunce of the month award this month goes to those dudes who think it’s cool to throw their cars around by crawling up the ass of the vehicle in front, then in a spasmic fit of impatience hurl themselves into another lane to pass. Then flinging their abused car back again, cut off the car they just passed. Of course adding more stupidity to their already moronic actions, they lunge for the exit! Huh?

Aaaahhh, what stupidity, what nitwitidity, what jerkidity! The minute many “drivers” get into a car, they grow horns and fangs and act as if they were born in a barnyard. Ooooooooof, sorry, chickens have more brains!

They think they are great drivers, at least their own egos tell them they are. they think they really know how to drive ‘cuz they go fast, jerk the car around and generally show off.

In reality, they are jerks. only jerks jerk a car around….poor car! not only is it bad for the car, but in fact they are executing a very dngerous set of maneuvers….dangerous because they are transferring the weight of the car all over the place way too fast

A vehicle becomes unstable or worse when its weight is shifted around very rapidly; therefore changing the contact with the road on each corner of the vehicle.. These ignoramuses think throwing a car around is good driving….it ain’t! They know not what they do.

The best drivers know how to fool the car into thinking nothing is happening to it and that smooth is safe and safe is fast. Being rough with the car is not good driving, and they may find out too late that being rough is, in fact, very bad driving.

So, remember, a jerk behind the wheel is a jerk period!

By the way if any readers would like to send their dunce of the month stories, i would be very happy to consider putting it on this blog.

Stay tuned for more opinions in next month’s installment of the

                          “DUNCE OF THE MONTH CLUB!”

-The CARmudgeon

D.C. DRIVERS -- ORDINARY DRIVING AIN’T SO ORDINARY AFTER ALL

Drivers think they know how to drive because they can make the vehicle move. But driving is far more complicated than stompin’ on the gas, slammin’ on the brake and steering in the general direction the “driver” wants the car to go.

Some of you -- my more “CAR-literate” audience -- may have read that this area (the Washington D.C. metro area) has the worst drivers in the country. Well, what else is new?

According to researchers at Allstate Insurance, D.C. drivers get into collisions on average once every 4.8 years. This means they’re 107.3% more likely to get into a car collision than the typical American driver, who wrecks his or her car once every 10 years.

Some may blame the bad roads, bad weather, or bad traffic, but these are only excuses. The real reason for all these collisions is the lousy drivers. And the bad driving in this area is only exceeded by local drivers’ arrogance and bad manners.

D.C. also has he worst traffic in the country according to the researchers, and although most analysts would probably find a correlation between bad traffic and bad driving, in reality, weather and traffic should have no effect on driving. A good driver is a good driver, and a BAD driver causes crashes! Why are we blaming the roads -- they’re just lying there?

You may have noticed that I use the word “incidents,” “collisions,” or “crashes” instead of “accidents.” That’s because, when it comes to bad driving, there is no such thing as an accident. Look up the difference between “accident” and “incident” in the dictionary

-The CARmudgeon

DON’T BE STUPID AND TALK ON YOUR CELL

‘CUZ WHEN YOU CRASH

YOU’LL GO STRAIGHT TO HELL

The CARmudgeon’s “DUNCE OF THE MONTH CLUB”                                                                                          

THE “STUPIDESTRIANS”

OR, TALES OF THE TEXTING ZOMBIES

This may come as a surprise to all my driving junky friends, but I am not going to bitch about lousy drivers in this post.

No, instead I am going to bitch about those lousy pedestrians, a related subject, named in this essay on stupidity, “The Stupidestrians.”

But I digress... most “peds” are terrible “pedders,” pedesting around, totally oblivious to what is going on around them.

Hey, as much as I am against more government regulation, I think these “Stupidestrians” need a license to walk. I wish their walking was better than their driving, but it ain’t. I guess if they are lousy drivers it stands to reason that they are lousy walkers and vice versa.

They are on their “smart” phones, talking, texting and committing other unspeakable acts while crossing in the middle of the street. But it seems like these “smart” phones help make these people stupider!

“What?! Should I look to see if a car is coming? Never! What a dumb idea! If I get hit, I’ll just file a lawsuit; If I live should live so long. The damn thing will just have to stop no matter where I cross!” Hey you idiots, you do NOT own the street!

By the way, when crossing in the middle of the block, “Stupidestrians” do not have the right of way, vehicles do. ANyway, it is against the law to cross when the light is green, especially when crossing the street without looking to see if there are cars coming. I repeat, you DON’T have the right of way!

Dear “Stupidestrians,” a car cannot stop on a dime! At 25-30 miles per hour, their stopping distance is already 85 to 109 feet! If these brain-dead, “Stupidestrians” walk out in the middle of the block say 40 feet in front of a moving vehicle, then he/she/it is dead meat. He/she/it who does not obey the laws of physics pays big time.

These “Stupidestrians” need to wake up and revive their half-dead zombie brains so that they can survive their stupidity!

Look both ways, not NO ways, then look both ways again so you will learn something! My favorite type of walker is the one on their cell phone looking at the asphalt, crossing the street in the middle of the block, without looking to see if any cars are coming at all--totally oblivious to everything! These “Stupidestrians” need to cooperate and give vehicles a break!

It is just common sense, which most “Stupidestrians,” do not have.

-The CARmudgeon

DO NOT TAKE THE CHANCE AT ALL

ALTHOUGH THE LIGHT IS RED

LOOK BOTH WAYS BEFORE YOU LEAP

BETTER OFF LATE THAN DEAD

WHY HANG OUT IN THE LEFT HAND LANE,

WHEN WE ALL WANT TO PASS?

GUESS WHAT EVERYONE THINKS OF YOU,

YES, YOU’RE A HORSE’S ASS!